and then she...

so many changes the past few weeks. she grasps, she shakes, she giggles... a grab bag of new emotions and skills that keep her parents enthralled. she also loves. she has reached for me when sad, and has developed more of a baby cry that can be soothed with softness and love. she's a baby, not an infant, and each day brings more joy.

today she hung out on her tummy for quite some time, and then tucked her knees under her belly, and started to move. in a few minutes, she had moved about a foot! amazing. tonight she was over-tired at bedtime, and after crying on my shoulder, turned her head and gave me a sloppy kiss on my cheek. so sweet.

today i'm a yeasayer

august coppola has been on my mind. i knew nothing of him until i read his obituary yesterday, and now, i want to know more. those close to him called him a dreamer, a renaissance man, a "yeasayer." i plan to learn more about him while my daughter sleeps. for now, i like thinking about this:

In 1991, instead of leading a groundbreaking for a planned addition to San Francisco State's creative arts complex, Coppola hosted a "skybreaking" because, he said: "The idea is to look up, rather than down -- look up to the sky, the clouds, teach young people to dream."

brilliant.

my sister is amazing

these past three weeks have been life-changing.

for me
for my husband
for our daughter
for my sister

my sister moved here just 3 short weeks ago to be nearer to her niece, her sister, and her family. she needed a change, and moving from her home of nearly 20 years gave her just that. it also tore her away from familiarity, from friends, and from her own family. sometimes all that tearing away shows up on her face and in her mood. i wish i could soothe the sadness she feels. all i can offer are hugs, encouragement, and deep love.

today was one of those days. i don't know if a particular exchange influenced or added to her ennui, but what i witnessed was one of those typically uneasy moments when two people meet: "what do you do?"

throughout my life, this question has caused me panic, unease, discomfort. after just graduating college, or figuring out what to do next, or having an impossible-to-describe job, i dreaded this conversation ender.

my sister's exchange, however, was one of beauty. she started off slowly, brushing off the question by mumbling her latest title of restaurant manager. but then she gained confidence, and told the tale of starting her town's first curbside recycling business. and then the natural foods store. and then the bagel shop. "oh, you're an entrepreneur!" her mate exclaimed. "yes, she is!" her proud sister interjected. it was right then and there that i was reminded of how amazing she is. she has experienced so much and achieved more than she realizes. right now she and i are working on her resume, and i'm astonished to learn how much she has to offer her next employer. it isn't just our daughter who will benefit from her amazing-ness.

nature nurture

the bottle saga continues, and i admit that i've also continued the practice of beating myself up over the fact that we didn't keep up with bottle feeding. i fear it was my consistent breast feeding that influenced her passion for the real deal. (my sister said, "face it, you have a nice rack!") today i shared my fears with a mom of twins, who said that she is experiencing the opposite conundrum: her twins were fed bottles from the beginning, and she didn't keep up with breast feeding because bottles were easier, and now her boys won't accept her breast. she offered that perhaps we both needed to be nicer to ourselves and stop the blame game.

she's right. but i'm so good at blaming.

today marked day one of our new and improved strategy. first i must digress and share how much my sister rocks. jewlee has been completely in charge of the bottle fight, and has been an amazing source of patience and determination. it's so hard, and yet she goes into the ring with my daughter time and time again, not without resulting tears and exhaustion. for this reason, jewlee laid down the law last night, and demanded that my husband join her in a daily and consistent bottle session each morning. she felt that siena was beginning to see her as the bad guy: as soon as i leave our house, she starts to cry.

it was different today. david and jewlee tag-teamed, switching off every 15 minutes so that a calm adult could soothe and offer the bottle in shorter intervals. after what i expect were many switch-offs, the two adults decided to take a walk and bring the offending bottle along. siena really enjoys being outside, and because of this, she relented, and emptied the bottle on a park bench.

whew.

now, this isn't a sustainable solution, but it sure is progress. both david and jewlee report that little miss no-bottle will change her ways after a week of concerted effort. fingers crossed!

newborn psychology

i never imagined how many unknowns this journey would include. i thought i understood the need-based reality of having a newborn, but i didn't realize our days would be filled with questions, with searching for clues, with trials. and errors.

take bottles, for instance. earlier in her life, my daughter took to bottles like it was second nature. no problems there at all. and then we didn't give her a bottle for a spell, and learned quickly that this was a mistake. a big one. she now expects to receive food the old-fashioned way, and is insulted that we would attempt to introduce a facsimile or proxy on my behalf. my husband, my mother, and my sister have all joined the ranks of Those Who Get Screamed At while trying to give her a bottle. the trick is that she drinks a bit without protest at first, but then realizes the trick is on her, and she turns into a kicking-scratching-screaming doppelganger who is not amused. but we continue to try and try again because we're serious about this working.

after one such unfortunate session with her beloved auntie, we decided to completely confuse her by introducing me into the plan. i picked her up, apologized for what i was about to do, while making clear that she really needed to chillax and just take it, and what does she do? drink it all without complaint. not a peep.

since this episode i've become an armchair psychologist, ruminating on what i can learn from her behavior, and how we can encourage her to treat the other, sweeter folks with the kindness she bestowed on me so that her mom can get a break every so often and return to work in the near future.

the lines are open. please share your crazy ideas. :)

morning rumination on thumbs

where do thumbs come from?
do they hide underground
and sprout like tomatoes from daddy's garden?

where do thumbs come from?
do they hide between the pages of favorite books
wresting free during a nightly read?

where do thumbs come from?
do they hide in the folds
of a tightly gripped fist?

wherever thumbs may hide,
when the time is right
and the need is true,
thumbs burst free
just for you.

cultivating mindfulness

while i was pregnant, david and i attended a mindfulness in childbirth class that came highly recommended by a good friend. she felt this class offered the most useful information of any prep course she took. we agreed.

knowing this, i decided to sign up for a new mom's mindfulness class. i was testing myself. and siena.

our daughter is what experts call "high needs;" certainly not the sort who would endure a 2-hour session that includes meditation. she requires lots of stimulation, movement, and constant changing of positions. we hold her a lot. we bounce her a lot. we walk her a lot. i can count the number of times i've held her (awake) while sitting: once today, a couple times on the porch, once earlier this week, and maybe a couple other times. and when i say "held her while sitting" i mean that i sat for longer than a couple minutes.

it was miraculous that she and i were able to attend this class. it's as if she too, were practicing the art of being mindful in that when we began a meditation exercise, she relaxed as i relaxed, and i was able to be present while attending to her. it was magical. when the facilitator asked us to share reflections, i was teary while admitting that i didn't expect i'd be able to participate in the exercise even partially. what a nice surprise.